Over 90 years ago, Dale Carnegie wrote a book that has sold millions of copies. It's not because he discovered some complicated secret. It's because he put words to something simple and true: people want to feel important.
Here on Winning the Week, our whole focus is the practical application of the Word of God, especially in the area of soul control, victory over your mind, will, and emotions. Soul control isn't only possible, it's practical. So when we came across Carnegie's principles, we knew they belonged in that conversation.
On this week's episode of Winning the Week, we kicked off a 5-part series walking through Carnegie's principles from How to Win Friends and Influence People, side by side with scripture. And we brought in reinforcements: my mom, Shelley, joined my co-host Shannon Phillips and me on the couch for this one, and she brought a story I won't forget.
The principle we're starting with: Don't criticize, condemn, or complain.
Carnegie's take is simple. Criticism puts people on the defensive. It doesn't open doors, it closes them. And honestly, we couldn't think of a single exception. The moment criticism shows up, the walls go up.
Philippians 2:3 says it this way, in The Passion Translation:
"Be free from pride-filled opinions, for they will only harm your cherished unity. Do not allow self-promotion to hide in your hearts, but in authentic humility put others first."
That's the heart behind the principle. Not "never say anything hard." Just: lead with humility, not with the hammer.
The old, ugly critical spirit
Mom shared something she learned years ago from Kenneth Hagin. He'd sometimes overhear conversations he had every reason to comment on, and he'd say, "I'm not gonna do it, because if I do, an old, ugly, critical spirit will reattach itself to me." That phrase stuck with her. A critical spirit doesn't stay contained. It bleeds into everything, your friendships, your family, your church. Some of the biggest church splits in history have started over something as small as the color of the carpet. It was never really about the carpet.
The story that made this real
Mom told a story from early in her marriage to my dad. It was summer in Oklahoma, the car was hot, he'd just sat through a sermon on walking in love, and by the time they hit the parking lot, his flesh had a lot to say. She knew not to criticize, so she just looked out the window. And then, from the front seat, a little three-year-old (that was me) wrapped her arm around him and said, "Daddy, you know what? You're as precious as Jesus." Then she sang him a little song about his "love walk" and where he'd left it hanging.
Something broke in that car. He teared up. He said, "I am precious as Jesus. I might as well act like it."
Mom's point: if she'd started nagging instead of staying quiet, that moment never happens. A critical response could have shut the whole thing down. Instead, discernment made room for something better to show up.
A tool you can actually use: HALT
If you need a quick gut check before you say the critical thing, ask: am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired? If the answer is yes, that's usually not the moment to speak. Halt.
The sandwich method
For when correction genuinely does need to happen, we talked through the "sandwich method": something you genuinely appreciate, then the correction, then another genuine appreciation. Not as a manipulation tactic, but because people remember how you made them feel long after they forget your exact words. Ephesians 4:29 puts it plainly: "Speak words that build others up."
One more story
Mom also shared her own testimony from the night before her wedding, praying over Philippians 1, asking God to teach her how to have heaven in her home, and landing on a prayer about love growing "in real knowledge and all discernment." That prayer shaped how she navigated an entire marriage, including learning to be content in a season instead of critical of it.
Where we're headed
This is only principle one of five. We'll be walking through the rest of Carnegie's book over the coming weeks, all through the lens of scripture. If this one landed for you, we'd love for you to subscribe so you don't miss the rest.
Listen to the full episode of Winning the Week wherever you get your podcasts. Grab a copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People, or the teen girl or teen boy editions, using the links in the show notes, it helps support the podcast.
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